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Dave
‘I am who I am, warts and all...’

Dave

Dave's mother received a photocopied letter informing her that Dave and his brother were infected with HIV.

He explains his particular difficulties learning to cope with his diagnosis as a teenager and then with the fact he was gay.

On antiretroviral therapy Dave experienced distressing and unusual side effects related to his bleeding condition.

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Life before HIV: When we were kids, I used to say: 'Oh Mum you gave me this!' I was quite brutal at times. I made her cry, which isn't a good thing, but I just wanted the pain and the aching...I wanted to be normal, I wanted to be like everybody else.

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Finding out: Recently my Mum showed me a letter that she'd received from the local hospital. It was just a bog standard letter, with our names put into it, not even signed or anything. "Dear Madam, your son's been tested positive for H-"...whatever it was called at the time. My name and Robert's name just put in, in Biro, and on a separate piece of paper - that she'd have to be careful what she did with the toothbrushes, with the cutlery, with the plates, with the cups.... She showed me that, actually, and when I was reading it, I was like: 'Oh my God! It just came through the post! It just came through the post. I couldn't believe it.'

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Expecting to die: I went through a stage of planning my own funeral; what I was going to wear, who was going to be there, the whole scenario. I went through it for months. I just wore black most of the time when I was at college. I was just mourning my own life.

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Intimate relationships: I was going out with a guy and he told me he was negative. I didn't tell him I was positive at the beginning, and I found it really difficult to tell him the further I got into the relationship. Even though we were using protection, I never told him, and my friend was telling me: 'But you've got to tell him anyway!' And when I told him, he'd been to the doctor's because he wasn't feeling well, and he came back from the doctor's and he'd had a HIV test, and that had come back positive. It wasn't until later on that I found out that he was having unsafe sex in other areas, so he could have picked it up from there. I'm not trying to make excuses if it was me, but I was taking all the precautions. That really did knock my sex drive and everything, after that, for a couple of years really badly.

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Help and support: I was in two categories because the Haemophiliacs, at that stage, were blaming the gay community for donating blood and getting infected that way. But I was in the two camps you see, because I'm a gay Haemophiliac. So I thought: 'I'm not only a Haemophiliac, an HIV positive Haemophiliac, but a gay Haemophiliac as well. I'm the only one!' Which is quite bizarre - when you're growing up and you're coming to terms with being positive, and then trying to come out as well - oh, it was quite difficult!

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Sickness and treatment: A Protease Inhibitor, I think it was. When I started taking it, I was bleeding from the roof of my mouth constantly for two weeks. He said I might get some slight side effects, bleeding somewhere. So I thought I'll just try and cope with it for two weeks, so my mouth was bloody for two weeks. My pillows, my bedding, everything I ate, everything I drank, just tasted of blood. In the end I'd had enough after two weeks and just rang the hospital and they said: 'Come in, don't take any more pills.' And then I was off them then for a year or so.

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Hepatitis C: The Interferon is an injection once a week into your stomach that you self-administer and the Ribovirin is tablets twice a day. So, as well as my other tablets I was taking, I had to remember to take my Ribovirin tablets and then once a week inject myself into the stomach. But before I went on it, the specialist nurse at the hospital said: 'You will get side effects, it's just like flu-like symptoms.' But when I started it, it knocked me sideways. I was on it for six months. I lost four stone. I was lucky if I got an hour's sleep a day. I was aggressive. I didn't eat. It was just a nightmare. My hair was falling out. It was like I was somebody else; it was the worse six months of my life.

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Compensated?: I've seen some video tapes that were produced, and it was all about that they knew what was going into the blood, into the vats that made Factor Eight. And the fact that these drug companies were paying people who were homeless and drug addicts and people like that, and also advertising in specifically gay papers for people who've had multiple partners, because they were trying to get a vaccine for Hepatitis. Then once they'd finished with that blood, even though they knew it was contaminated with Hepatitis, they put it into the big vats of blood, so they didn't waste it. But they knew they were infecting everybody else with the Hepatitis. So that's when it could have been infected with the HIV as well. So I am angry about it, because they knew what they were doing, but carried on doing it because there was more money to be made than anything else.

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Telling this story: It's been quite easy, actually; I thought it'd be a lot harder. When I've been talking, I've been thinking about the struggles, and the ups and downs I was going through at the time, and what an achievement it is - to actually still be here, after all these years, after everything that's thrown at you. I should really pat myself on the back!

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Personal reflections: Socially, I'm extremely happy with my partner, the friends I have around me. I'm really close to all my family: my brother and my sisters, my cousins, and they're quite accepting of who I am, as well all the ailments that I've got as well. I don't really have time for people who don't really accept me. I am who I am, warts and all.