Living Stories: Home page

An unexpected future

Play MP3 audio clip

Ben: I went to see him one day for my next check-up and he said: "Your viral load is undetectable and your CD Fours are higher.' I didn't even take on board how good that was - not for months! I was just so used to being the way I was. And now! I should have been out having a party that night. I should have been out - that was amazing to hear him say that. Since I got ill when I was twelve, I'd had really high viral load, hardly any CD Four cell count at all...I suppose if you've been ill for that amount of years, though, and from an early time in your life, it's going to take a while to readjust and think: "OK - now I'm healthy."

Play MP3 audio clip

Haydn: As the years progressed, you would think that you'd become more at ease with it because you seemed okay. But it didn't seem to work that way. It worked in completely the opposite way; you became more anxious. Because you thought: 'Right, that's five years I'm counting ... it's got to be next year then!' and then that year would pass and then you'd think, 'Well, that's another year.' It seemed like eternity before I did start to think that maybe I could plan next year ahead of us.

Play MP3 audio clip

Ian: There came a point when you thought - well, I'm not going to die, what the hell am I going to do? What do you do with this time? Dianne had been used to the idea that I wasn't going to be there. We struggled with something that should have been really happy, which was that there was a future. We had a future but we didn't know what to do with it.

Play MP3 audio clip

Joseph: When we first found out there was a problem, the suggestion was that you'd be lucky to have a couple of years. Then the goalposts got moved and we were told it was probably more like five years. That's when I started to take on board the conviction that maybe it might not be five years; it might be six, it might be seven; it could ultimately come on very, very quickly and it might be a matter of a month or two. And, with not knowing that, I had a constant struggle with it admittedly, but I still had to aim for the longer term.

Play MP3 audio clip

Martin: He stood there at my bedside and he said: 'Right, this patient Martin Beard is a haemophiliac. He's HIV positive. You've read his case notes.' And he said to all the students, he says: 'Right, how long do you expect him to live?' And at that moment I thought - oh my God! What are they going to say? One year, five years? One student, he just said: "Well, as long as he looks after himself, he should live a normal life span." And the consultant said, 'Yes, exactly.' And at that point I just breathed a sigh of relief and I thought - thank you!

Play MP3 audio clip

Mick: I certainly got to the point of thinking - well, I'm healthy, I'm quite well. My CD4 and viral load's really good. I might not die actually, which is quite a scary thing when you've been living for so long thinking you're going be dead, and you haven't got to do anything, you haven't got to plan for your future, you haven't got to plan and think about retirement.

Play MP3 audio clip

Mike: Like when Jessica was born, I thought: 'You're not going to see her live - you're not going to see her fifth birthday - and then, you're not going to see her tenth birthday.' And she was eighteen last week and I'm still here.

Play MP3 audio clip

Suresh: I saw my brother pass away without any of the triple therapy. Then I went on triple therapy and I actually improved. And that gives you faith that - yes, there will be a tomorrow! The sad fact is that my friends and I haven't prepared for tomorrow. Because we weren't given tomorrow; we were just given today, and that was it.