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PamPam

Pam

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Intimate relationships: We didn't have any sexual life at all after that, as soon as he was diagnosed. For me, it was a feeling of rejection. I was very hurt about it. It was like the door shutting. I would have liked it to have been the same, obviously taking precautions. But it just didn't, and that was the end of it. Until I was diagnosed, then things, they came back on an even keel again.

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Finding out: Very, very upset because that was his worst fear, that I was going to become infected and I did. But no, I mean he was just devastated. It was the worst thing that could happen to him, apart from his own diagnosis. And then, of course there were all the fears of, I mean he said some funny things, he said to me, 'Who's going to look after...?' 'Nobody will want you when I've gone.' And things like that, awful thoughts, 'Who's going to look after you?'

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Caring: Funny enough, a lady on the corner who we both used to chat to, she said to me one day 'You know,' she said, 'when you're looking after somebody,' she almost forewarned me, she said, 'the more you do, the more you love them.' So I thought, strange. But it was true. I mean, I didn't like what I was seeing, and his suffering, because, well, there was one time he didn't want to die, and another time he was asking me to do something to finish it. Which of course I couldn't do. But no, you do become more fond of them, it's just amazing.

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Caring: As I say, I was grateful that I was able to look after him, because this is what he wanted. And quite honestly, I just wanted to follow on, I just wanted to go with him. It was very, very hard. Because it's like looking in the mirror, isn't it? This is going to happen to me, it's going to be me next. But I wouldn't have cared anyway. I could have gone that day with him. But it was a privilege to look after him, I considered myself I was lucky to be able to look after him.

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Secrets and stigma: I suppose I'm a bit ashamed, when I think about it. Yes, there is a stigma with it.
Yes, at one time I think I felt worthless. I used to be the hub of the family, and I feel as if I can't do that any more, I'm not able to cope with that any more. Yes, I do feel dirty with this disease, I must admit. I've got a sexually transmitted disease, you know. That's what it is I suppose. Well if I'd been running round having sex with all and sundry, not that I would at my age, then I'd think, 'Oh well, serves you right, Pam. You asked for it'. But I haven't. I suppose it's so alien, isn't it?

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Support: I used to go to little meetings. But there again, they were mostly gay. But they were supportive, they were really good. We'd sit and chat and have a tea, and things like that. We used to go out sometimes for a trip, that was all organised. It was a few years ago, so it was nice to be able to sit and chat about it without having to check yourself. But no, on the whole, the groups have been supportive. But of course that's all going out the window now, because people aren't dying. I suppose they're not clinging together so much. Things are better.

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Anger and blame: You're only going to spoil yourself if you get angry, aren't you? It's no good being bitter and twisted, is it? You do, you spoil it for yourself. And, all right, it seems a funny thing to say, a lot of good has come out of this. I'm no longer the little Minnie Mouse I was. I'm still a bit of a Minnie Mouse but, no, I've met a lot of lovely people. I've been able to go out and speak, I went to a college and spoke. And, yes, I'm a different person. And as I say, I went off to Australia; I'd have never done that. And I have met some wonderful people through it all.